narcissism

Have you ever met someone with a narcissistic personality? (I want to clarify that my use of the word narcissist here includes both female and male individuals; I'm referring to the narcissistic person.) Narcissists tend to leave a lasting impression, as well as many scraps to pick up—perhaps a depleted bank account or broken relationships—but almost always with extreme energy depletion. Once you realize you've invited a narcissist into your life, it will never be the same. The shock we experience in these relationships is deeply traumatizing and debilitating if you keep your focus on the narcissist instead of yourself. All of us who have suffered this type of abusive relationship have missed the warning signs or ignored them outright… I know I did! But why did this happen? Unfortunately, we ignored these gut feelings and slid deeper and deeper into the relationship, stubbornly clinging to our version of things/perceptions that weren't true. Walk away from the narcissist. Forever! I mean this in terms of YOUR attitude, your inner orientation! Because if you have one or more children with him/her, you'll be connected through them for life. "I'm no longer available!" That was the sentence that sprang from deep within me, finally breaking my codependency on my narcissistic ex-husband. Written in capital letters, bold, as a short, clear message before my mind's eye, and then written down on a piece of paper. Boundary – distance – a step back – protection…BREATHE. It wasn't just thrown out there; I felt that sentence through and through. A very clear decision, because in the moment of realizing that I had been with a narcissistic man for almost 15 years, I took hold of and examined the part of myself that had brought me to this point in my life, to this relationship with this man as the father of our child. The part I hadn't wanted to recognize or feel, the part of me that had clouded my judgment, the noise that drowned out my intuitive inner voice, the totally naive, loving wife who was so manipulated and dependent, the partner who clung to the hope/illusion that things would change. I was in a relationship with someone else, not with the person, the part of me that allowed itself to be so emotionally and physically abused for years. Really feel into that sentence. Imagine you're standing in front of that person and saying, "I'm no longer available!" Perhaps with a gesture of arms, holding your hands up to signal a boundary. Feel into it. BREATHE, BREATHE, BREATHE… Are you present with yourself? YES, you are. Is it easy? NO, it isn't. But it's CLEAR and detached, because your focus is on yourself. Are you keeping your strength with you? YES, even if it's not always easy. Then, imagine again that you're standing in front of that person and saying, "You've cheated on me and lied to me all these years, how could you… etc.!" Perhaps even gesturing furiously at them as you speak. Feel into it, how are you BREATHE here? Are you present with yourself? NO. You absolutely are not. You are a VICTIM. Is it easy? NO, it isn't. Because you are constantly focused on the other person, completely clouded and on edge. Are you maintaining your own strength? NO, total codependency and no self-responsibility. Having a narcissist as an ex-partner and parent can be deeply heartbreaking and disturbing because of their brutal actions and how utterly devastated they can leave you. They can declare you invalid/non-existent. They can make you feel unimportant, unworthy, and unintelligent. They lie to you without remorse to advance their own agenda. Your self-esteem will not recover. Unless… you realize that validation, security, support, and honesty are coming from elsewhere. Disappointment, anger, despair, powerlessness, exhaustion, shock, disbelief, madness, manipulation, aggression, projections, lies, deceit, pain, chaos, blame, gaslighting, brutality, coldness, indifference, and deception can be replaced by security, clarity, joy of life, acceptance, vitality, movement, self-forgiveness, protection, boundaries, serenity, honesty, feelings, order, peace, stability, security, connection, love, freedom, vitality, and trust. All it takes is for YOU to fully commit to this path. If you fully commit to this path WITHOUT hoping that your narcissistic ex-partner might eventually wake up and realize how terrible their behavior is, and so on. If you fully commit to this path, you create YOUR SPACES to heal and find peace within yourself. If you fully commit to this path, you will recognize, at a very deep level, your self-worth and your true essence, your soul. You will realize that you have lived in such a strong codependency, that you have made yourself available, that you have been coupled. Only then are you fully capable of truly disengaging and embarking on the journey of self-discovery, exploring where the root cause lies within your system. At this point, I would like to mention a few quotes from Viktor Frankl that can provide immense strength and humility in a narcissistic/toxic context; at least, that's how it was for me: "The last of human freedoms is the choice of our attitude toward things." - "Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom." "Fate is as much a part of a person as the ground to which gravity binds them, without which walking would be impossible. We must accept our fate as we accept the ground on which we stand – a ground that is the springboard for our freedom." "It never matters what we expect from life, but rather what life expects from us." When you separate from a toxic/narcissistic person, it can become uncomfortable, brutal, dangerous, and often unbearable! It's about fully recognizing this space, feeling it, entering it, breathing deeply, and from this space, taking steps to save yourself, to recognize yourself, to love yourself, to believe in yourself, to calm your system, to set boundaries, to arrive in your own peace and serenity, and to bring yourself to safety. A few words on narcissism from Jeff Brown, one of my teachers: “In my experience, perhaps the biggest challenge we face as victims of narcissistic abuse is the very confusing belief that we are responsible for all the dysfunctions that existed or still exist in this relationship. It is absolutely essential for the narcissist that we believe we are to blame for everything difficult in the relationship and often in their life—and that we alone are the ones who must and can fix the relationship so that the narcissist can benefit from the relationship in the way they need to. This misguided sense of responsibility wouldn't work on everyone. However, it did work on us for a variety of reasons, often because of the fact that victims of narcissistic abuse tend to be responsible, highly sensitive, and empathetic people who tend to take their role in things. And of course, this sense of responsibility is blatantly WRONG in this context. You are not to blame for any of it, even if you currently feel like it.” Do you believe that your problems attracted them, or that your problems contributed to us staying in contact with them? Because whatever exists within the narcissist existed before you and will undoubtedly exist beyond you. However it happened to them, however these patterns of abuse became theirs, were a function of their own experiences and took root regardless of your presence. It's not about you now, and it never was. I appreciate that you may not be ready to accept this yet, but I want to say this at the very beginning of the process, as a kind of beacon of understanding to guide you. Perhaps you wanted to believe it was about you, perhaps because it gave you a sense of control—the idea that you could make it better if it was your fault—but it never was about you. Gaslighting wasn't about you. The threesome wasn't about you. Blaming wasn't about you. Playing the victim wasn't about you. Humiliation wasn't about you. You. The lack of empathy was never about you. The manipulation, the sense of entitlement, the ego-feeding were never about you. They were directed at you, but it was never about you. Everything revolved around them and their fragile, underdeveloped ego structure. And there was NOTHING you could do to change that. "When you understand this, you break free, you rise like a phoenix from the ashes and fly on! Do you finally want to break free from the toxic cycle? I will help you embark on the path to genuine and deep healing from toxic, narcissistic relationships, establish healthy boundaries, realign yourself, and experience relationships of equality in the future. Once you have learned the (sometimes very loud) lessons of these kinds of relationships, you can heal to a depth you may not have known existed. Toxic relationships contain a wealth of information and are a valuable asset if we are ready for a life-changing transformation." To undertake this process. It is a shedding of skin and a recognition of the self at our deepest levels. You will delve into all those parts of yourself that, for whatever reason, have been overshadowed, hidden, or masked. Stop living for the expectations of others and recognize your own needs. Heal to your core and permanently release patterns that no longer serve you. Embrace empowerment and self-confidence. Learn to trust yourself and your guidance system to be your most reliable and consistent ally. I am happy to assist you in this.